Communication Patterns That Damage Relationships—and How to Change Them
Communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy—especially after becoming parents. Many couples find themselves stuck in the same arguments, feeling misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected, even when they both want the relationship to work. Parenting adds layers of stress: lack of sleep, competing responsibilities, and little time to recover after conflict.
Psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are especially damaging to relationships. While he refers to them as the “Four Horsemen,” they are best understood as unhelpful communication habits that tend to show up when couples are overwhelmed or under-supported. When these patterns become frequent, they can erode trust, connection, and emotional safety—but each has a practical alternative that couples can learn.
Criticism in Relationships
Criticism often emerges when an emotion or need goes unexpressed for too long. Rather than addressing a concern directly, frustration builds until it comes out as an attack on a partner’s character.
For example, criticizing a partner for not packing the baby’s bag may reflect an underlying need for shared responsibility or predictability. The need itself is valid, but the delivery often triggers defensiveness rather than cooperation.
Example of criticism:
“You never help. I asked you to pack the baby’s bag and it’s still not done. Why are you so lazy?”
A more effective approach is to stay focused on the behavior, name the feeling, and clearly express the need.
Alternative to criticism:
“The baby’s bag wasn’t packed, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk later and figure out a system that works for both of us?”
Contempt in Relationships
Contempt is considered the most damaging of these communication patterns. It conveys a sense of superiority or disrespect and often includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or belittling. Unlike criticism, contempt carries an intent to harm and can quickly undermine emotional safety.
Contempt often grows when couples stop noticing what is working and begin viewing each other through a negative lens. Rebuilding appreciation and strengthening the emotional friendship between partners are key ways to reduce contempt.
Example of contempt:
“If you cared more about being a good parent and less about yourself, dinner would actually be ready on time.”
Alternative to contempt:
“Family dinners matter to me, and I’d really appreciate your help making that happen.””
Defensiveness in Relationships
Defensiveness usually shows up in response to criticism or contempt. When someone feels blamed or attacked, they may respond by deflecting responsibility, counter-attacking, or making excuses. While defensiveness can feel protective, it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it.
Example:
“Did you schedule the baby’s appointment today like I asked?”
“No—you know I had a big meeting. If it was that important, why didn’t you do it?”
Taking responsibility—even partially—can reduce defensiveness and keep the conversation productive.
Alternative to defensiveness:
“I forgot to schedule it today. I know it’s important, and I’ll take care of it now.”
Stonewalling in Relationships
Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down or disengages during conflict. This often happens when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed, flooded, or unsure how to continue the conversation safely.
Rather than pushing through, the most effective response to stonewalling is self-soothing, paired with clear communication about needing a break.
Alternative to stonewalling:
“This conversation matters, but I need a 20-minute break to calm down. Can we come back to it?”
Taking a short break to regulate—through a walk, music, or quiet time—can make it possible to re-engage more thoughtfully.
When These Patterns Show Up
Most couples will recognize at least one of these patterns in their relationship at some point. Occasional missteps are normal, especially during stressful seasons like early parenthood. However, when criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling become frequent, it’s often a sign that the relationship needs attention and support.
Couples therapy offers a space to slow communication down, understand what’s happening beneath conflict, and practice healthier ways of relating. Even outside of therapy, noticing these patterns in real time—and experimenting with their alternatives—can begin to shift how couples experience one another.
